


Evergreen

by Sugarymemes



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Suicide, Suicide Notes, Trans Female Pidge | Katie Holt, implied eating disorder, implied klance, pidge's suicide notes, trigger warning: suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 13:25:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10572216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugarymemes/pseuds/Sugarymemes
Summary: "Love with every fibre of your being, and if that's not enough for someone, love with every fibre of their being too."For Pidge, final words are worth far more than final actions. She finds comfort in this. She hopes others do too.





	1. Legacy

'Hi there. My name is Katie Holt Or Pidge Gunderson. Or Kevin. Or the green paladin. I hardly know anymore. But the point of this notebook is one simple thing: If you're reading this, I am dead. And it was hopefully at my own hands.'

'I've written letters to my family, my friends, and also the people that caused my demise. You know who you are. I ask you not to blame yourselves. This was wholly my decision, and mine alone. I'd say I was sorry, but I would be lying.'

'The truth is that life has simply become too much of a burden for me to handle. I never asked to be born, or to live this life, and I think it's unfair that I was forced to do so. You all act like suicide is such an awful and terrible thing, but really I'm just taking an escape route out of something that I didn't even ask for, so it doesn't matter that much. Or maybe it does. It's 3am and I'm writing this by the light of my laptop and to be honest I'm having a hard time staying awake.'

'I hope dearly that you'll all be able to carry on without me, because that's really all that you can do. I also hope that you can all forgive me for this one day. It sucks that my last ever decision had to be a selfish one, but it it's my dying wish to be selfish, then so be it. I'm allowed to be selfish.'

'On the next page is a list of who I've written personal letters to, but there's also some random miscellaneous ones at the end so maybe you can read them too. Whatever you want - I'm dead now, I don't really care.'

'I wish you all the best. I'd tell you not to end up like me, but I understand that isn't always possible. So please enjoy life as much as you can, and live every day to the fullest. Love with every fibre of your being, and if that's not enough for someone, love with every fibre of their being too.  
I love you all so much, and I'm going to miss you.   
Goodbye - Pidge xx'


	2. Mom

'Hi mom, it's Pidge. Your little girl. Or boy. Let's just go with child for now. Is that alright? Instead of remembering me as Katie or Kevin, please remember me as Pidge. I know that it's not the name you gave me, but it's the name I gave myself and I've often felt that's the only control I've ever had in this strange, strange world.'

'I know that people say you should never have to bury your child - but don't worry, I don't want that. I want to be cremated and sprinkled among the stars. We're all cosmic dust anyway - it'll just be like going home. Or you could just launch me into space, I don't really mind. Just please don't bury me, you know how much I hate worms.'

'I'm so sorry to do this to you, mom. I'm literally throwing away the most important thing you've ever given me, and I'm so sorry, but I just don't feel as if I can go on. I hope you understand.'

'Thank you for always be there for me, and for always loving me, no matter what state I'm in. Happy, sad, angry, you love every version of me and I can't thank you enough. You're such a wonderful mother, and one day Dad and Matt will come home. I promise. The rest of the team won't stop looking, I know that for sure.'

'I love you, mom. And there's tears welling up in my eyes and since I look so awful when I cry I'm going to have to cut this short. I'm so sorry to do this to you mom, but this existence simply isn't for me. I was born in the wrong body, in the wrong reality.'

'The guy upstairs sure screwed up a lot with me, didn't he?'

'Life with you was perfect, mom, and I wish that I could hug you one more time before I go. I'm sorry mom. I'm so sorry. I don't love you to the moon and back. I love you so much further than that. I love you to the end of every universe out there.'

'I'll see you again sometime, mom. Please stay strong until then.  
\- Pidge xxxx'


	3. Dad

'Dad, it's your little Pigeon here. I honestly don't know if you're dead or alive, and I don't know what's better.  
If you're alive, then you can come home. You can be found, rescued, saved. But if you're dead, then at least you haven’t been through hell. You've escaped from the Galra, and I'll see you very soon Dad.'

'I'm not coming home. I'm sorry, but I can't. And I'm not even sure where home is anymore. I feel lost. And scared. And that probably sounds awful to someone who's been captured by evil aliens, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Dad.'

'If you're still out there, you need to get home for Mom. She doesn't have anyone left now, and even though we both know how amazingly strong she is, she's not invincible.'

'You and Mom gave me the gift of life, and I'm sorry but I have to refuse it, all these years later. Life wasn't meant for me. And as silly as that sounds, it's true. I've tried to enjoy it as best I could, but now it's time to move on to bigger and better things. Like heaven, or hell.'

'Dad, I think I've killed a lot of people. Galra people, evil people, but still people.'

'But those people killed a lot of people too, so maybe it balances out? I guess this is fate though. Everything I've ever done has led up to this moment. I can't wait to see you again.'

'I love you Dad, look after yourself, and look after Mom. I love you more than anything.  
From your Pigeon xxxx'


	4. Matt

'Hi, Matt. Favourite sibling here. This is going to be difficult to write. I don't know whether to be formal or casual - it's a suicide note for Christ's sake! I guess I'll just write from the heart and hope it makes sense. I'm not thinking too straight right now, I haven't slept.'

'Matt, I miss you so much. I think about you every second of every day. I see you every single time I look in the mirror, and it's painful, Matt. It's so painful. I was so jealous when you got to go to Kerberos, and in a weird way, I was jealous when I found out that you got captured by the Galra.'

'I wished it was me in your place. I pleaded with divine forces for us to switch places, but of course, I really don't want you to kill yourself.'

'I'm looking for you and Dad every single day, and I promise that the other paladins will keep up the search once I'm gone. And who knows, once I'm gone, there'll be a new spot for a green paladin - maybe you could hop in there?'

'I'm really scared Matt. I've got a whole host of Altean medicine next to me, and one I've finished all these letters, you can bet your life that I'm downing them. Christ, that's pretty morbid, isn't it? You're probably screaming "No, don't do it!" At me through paper, but it's too late for that.'

'This is what I want Matt. I'm 99.9% sure. I know it will be okay. I won't feel any pain anymore. I won't have to deal with the burdens of the universe anymore. That'll be a weight off my shoulders. How lovely.'

'Do you remember how we used to play Mario Kart together? We'd always fight over who got to be Yoshi. You'd give up, and you'd be Toad, pretending that you didn’t care. But I know you did. Toad is shit.'

'Now you can be Yoshi whenever you want! I won't be there to play against you of course, but that's okay. You win some, you lose some. If you delete any of my save files on anything, I swear I'll come back as a ghost and fucking kill you.'

'...'

'I'm kidding, I won't. I wish that I could be the one to find you, the one to rescue you, the one to bring you home. But I've gone on for too long like this, and life just isn't for some people and it sucks, it sucks so hard, but this is what I want. I want to die at my own hands Matt, please don't deny me this last wish.'

'I love you Matt, and I'll see you again some day.  
\- Katie xxxxx


	5. Iverson

'Sir, I don't know if you remember the name Pidge Gunderson - probably not, even though I was one of the kids that went missing the night Takashi Shirogane came back. You probably told everyone that we were dead. That's not true, everyone is doing well, and we're fighting to keep the galaxy safe every day. Not that I'm looking for gratitude or anything.'

'However, you didn't get it entirely wrong. This letter signifies that I am gone. That probably doesn't mean anything to you, why should you care? I hope that maybe one day you'll feel something in your cold, dead, heart.'

'I'm Pidge, but I'm also Katie Holt. Shocking revelation, right? Bet you remember my name now. The girl who managed to break into a government facility with ease. But you never saw me as a girl, did you? You only saw me as Kevin, and when you looked at Katie I saw the disgust in your eyes.'

'But I'm not killing myself because you're a transphobic asshole. Although I'd love for you to blame yourself for the rest of your life, I can't do that to you. Sorry.'

'Maybe if you'd shown a little more kindness to me, you wouldn't be reading this letter. Probably not, but still. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should maybe show a little compassion to those around you. Just a thought. It doesn't matter. I know that no one will ever be good enough for you.'

'Sorry, and have a nice day.  
\- Kevin.'


	6. Keith

'Keith, I'm so sorry to have to do this to you all. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but if you're reading this, then I've probably failed in doing that.'

'I'm not entirely sure what to say, Keith. I have my reasons for this, but writing them down sounds silly. I want you to know that there's nothing you didn’t or didn't do to cause this. And similarly, there's nothing that you could've done to prevent this.'

'I know that you're losing someone else and that's really shitty. I'm sorry that I had to contribute to that, but I wasn't meant for this world, Keith. I'm surprised I lasted this long. I need you to promise me that you'll keep looking for Matt and my dad though, dead or alive, I need you to find them. If they're dead then I guess I have something to look forward to in the afterlife.'

'Oops, that's a bit morbid, isn't it? Sorry.'

'Remember when we first met, Keith? Like properly met? I'd heard all about you from Lance, of course, but when I first met you, you looked so broken. And tired. I hope you're doing better now.'

'Lance really loves you, Keith. And once I'm gone, you're all gonna have to be there for each other. I know you love him too, so please just show him. I want you guys to find a new beginning in this ending.'

'It's gotten a bit mushy now, right? I told myself that I wouldn't cry as I was writing this but I'm wiping away tears and being all snotty and gross. Sorry. You came in while I was writing this, I told you I was writing in my diary. You gave that stupid raised eyebrow smirk you do, and walked off.'

'No one could have predicted this, Keith. But now I need you to stay strong for the team. I'm counting on you, and believe me, the suicidal girl doesn't want anyone else to feel like this. If you're ever feeling depressed, or trapped, or like you've lost control, please, talk to someone.'

'I love you Keith, and I'll see you on the other side.   
\- Pidge xxx'


	7. Lance

'Hey, Lance. Please don’t blame yourself for what has happened. There was no way that you could've stopped me. My mind has been made up for a long while now.'

'I hope you understand why I did what I did. I know that you struggle with depression too. And I know it's ironic to have the suicidal kid telling the other suicidal kid not to kick the bucket, (Ooh, so edgy. I feel like Keith.) But it's not the way out. For you, I mean. I think it's the only way out of this hellscape for me.'

'You've always been there for me, thank you so much. Even at the Garrison, when I was a little asshole, you still tried to show me kindness, and that was what I really needed. I'd lost my family, Lance. But you were there, you were like my big brother, but you weren't like Matt, and I'm glad because no one can replace Matt, and you shouldn't ever pretend to be anything else.'

'I don't want to die in battle, Lance. I don't want to get shot in the head with some Galra drone. I don't want to get captured and end up like Shiro. Or Matt. Or dad. I don't want to live in fear, Iknow it's selfish, but it's how I feel.'

'I want to die at my own hands, how I want, when I want. I didn't choose to be born, no one gave me a choice. So I'm going to make my own choice about my death. If that's the only control I'm going to get, I'm going to take it and run.'

'I'm so scared. I'm scared of the Galra, and the galaxy and of people on earth, and of myself. As paladins we're expected to be big and bold and brave, but that's just not me. That was never me.'

'I'm scared of dying, but I won't be scared for long. I'll be at peace, finally. I'll be happy. I really hope heaven is nice, or that hell isn't as bad as everyone thinks.'

'Stay strong, stay safe, and stay YOU, Lance. That's going to be the only way you can move forward. The universe is relying on you all. No pressure. I love you.   
\- Pidge xxxx'


	8. Hunk

'Dear Hunk, I wish that I didn't have to say goodbye like this. I wish that I could hug you and we could cry together, and it'd be ugly, and mushy, but it'd be us. But I can't say goodbye in person, Hunk. Because then you'd try to stop me, and my mind is already made up.'

'I'll miss you so much. I'll miss everything about you. Your cooking, your hugs, how you somehow smell of old spice even though we're in space. You're like my dad, brother and best friend rolled into one. I love you so much. You're wonderful.'

'Hunk, I'm not meant to be here. I'm not meant to be alive. It sucks, but it's true. I know I'm being selfish, and you might think I'm 'taking the easy way out' but this hasn't been easy for me at all. I've thought long and hard about it, and I can't wait any longer. I guess you really will need someone else to pilot the green lion.'

'Hunk, I'll miss her so much. She knows what I'm doing, she's not happy about it, but every day is hell for me Hunk, every single damn day is awful. I can't live with this pain any longer, and I hope you understand that I'm not trying to inflict that pain onto you all, but rather get rid of it all together.'

'This is what is going to make me happy, Hunk. And I haven't been happy in such a long time, and it's so awful. I want to be happy. Don't you think I deserve to be happy? I deserve this Hunk. I don't deserve death, I don't think I'm that awful even though I really hate myself, but I deserve peace. And joy.'

'I wish that we all could've grown old together. Defenders of the Universe care home or something? Wish I could see it. I'll be there in spirit though. I'll always be watching over you.'

'Take care of yourself, Hunk. I love you.   
\- Pidge xxxx'


	9. Shiro

'Shiro, I love you more than anything. I really do. You're so lovely and kind and supportive, and you're the best space dad ever. When you get back to earth, I hope you find a therapist or something. You deserve to heal, Shiro. You deserve love and care.'

'I'm sorry that I have to leave you like this. Maybe killing myself is the cowards way out, but I don't feel like a coward. I've been brave for way too long and I'm getting tired. I'm tired of fighting, both myself and others. I can't carry on like this for much longer. I'm sorry.'

'You were always so wonderful to me, Shiro. And I know it must've hurt so much to have to look at me and see Matt staring back at you every damn time. It wasn't your fault. You did what you could.'

'I don't want to die. I wish I could go back to earth and sleep in my own bed and not have to worry about the fate of the universe. I suppose I should consider myself lucky, being a paladin and all. I don't feel lucky. I feel scared. And cold. And numb.'

'You've probably noticed me slowing down. You've probably noticed me eating less, sleeping more. This shitty illness has a hold on me, Shiro. This depression is strangling me, and I need to cut it off at the source before it infects all of you as well.'

'Don't you see, Shiro? This is the only way I can be free. It's going to be wonderful. I'll see you on the other side.'

'Yours, Katie xxxx'


	10. Allura

'Princess, or Allura. I feel like I've known you well enough to call you by your first name now. Is that really disrespectful or something? I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Now that I'm gone and all.'

'Allura, you're so brave, and beautiful, and courageous. You're a wonderful leader, and I guess we do have a lot in common. You saw me as a boy, and then you saw me as a girl when I asked you to. Every day I thank my lucky stars that Altean gender norms are practically non-existent.'

'You always seem to know what to do, Allura. You always seem to make the right decision. Do you think I'm making the right decision? If the pros outweigh the cons of death, and the cons outweigh the pros of life, then surely I'm doing the right thing.'

'At least, I like to think I am, anyway.'

'I'm so sorry to leave you in the lurch like this, without a green paladin, but the green lion is really friendly. I'm sure you'll find someone else soon enough.'

'It's sad that Galra empire has to take another life, but I guess they aren't entirely to blame. They're just a factor. Just one factor amongst many others.'

'Please don’t blame yourself, Allura. And make sure no one else blames themselves either. You couldn't have ever predicted this, or prevented this or done anything to stop me. My mind has been made up for too long now. I don't know until I've waited till now to finally get it all over with.'

'I know that Shiro leads team Voltron, and not to be totally self centered or anything, but with me gone he probably won't be doing too well. Please take care of them, Allura.'

'You are Coran have shown me that family can come from anywhere. Thank you so much for that. Thank you for everything. I wish we could've had more time together, and I'm sorry that you have to lose someone else.'

'All my love to you, Allura.   
\- Your green Paladin xxx'


	11. Coran

'Dearest Coran, I want to thank you so much for everything you've done for me. You're made me smile, laugh, and even cry, though I haven't told you that. Sorry.'

'But by far the best thing you've done was respect me. You respected my skills and weaknesses, and even my gender. "We were supposed to think you were a boy!?" still sticks in my mind, even though I know you were just trying to be nice. It meant a lot to me.'

'You were like the crazy space uncle that I never had - you didn’t try to replace anyone, or be anyone that you weren't, and you brought a strange sense of home to this whole shitty ordeal. You've made this last year bearable, but now it's time for me to go.'

'Please don’t try and stop me, please don't put me in the cryopods and try to save or whatever. I'd say DNR but that probably doesn’t mean anything in Altean. I trust you, Coran. Please don’t let me down.'

'It's probably really difficult for you to understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. I've been in pain for too long, the type of pain that healing pods can't fix. I'm too tired to carry on. It's my time to go, and I'm going at my own hands rather than Zarkon's. This is what I want. I think this is what I want, anyway.'

'Please take care of them, Coran. Thank you for being there, I love you.  
Yours, number five xxx'


	12. Zarkon

'Emperor Zarkon, you may think that your wish is starting to come true, with one of the paladins dead. But I can assure you that is definitely not the case.'

'The other paladins are much, much stronger than I am. Compared to them, I'm weak. But compared to you, I am so strong. Zarkon, you may have been ruling for 10 thousand years but I've fought more battles in my mind than you have in your entire life.'

'You and your empire will fall one day, and it'll be at the hands of Voltron and the rest of the galaxy. You will be defeated.'

'Don't think for a second that you have defeated me. Don't think for a second that you've defeated Voltron. This decision has nothing to do with the rest of them, this is all me. This was always all me.'

'I'll see you in hell, Zarkon.  
\- The green paladin.'


	13. Pidge

'Dear Pidge, it's Pidge here. Sounds strange, doesn't it?'

'Pidge, I don't know if I'm making the right decision. They'll cope without me, I know they will. But I guess that just makes me feel even worse because it just proves how useless I am.'

'Sometimes I wish that I could've been born Kevin, and stayed Kevin. I wish I lived a normal life with a normal family and everything was normal. But now my family is scattered all throughout the universe, and waking up in the morning makes my heart pound with fear.'

'I'm so terrified of death, but I'm so terrified of continuing to live. I can't continue on. I don't want to die, I just want to not exist. I wish I never existed in the first place. I wish I'd had a say in my existence, but I suppose no one gets a choice. I guess that no one really thinks about it.'

'I've thought about it for so long, Pidge. I've thought about living, I've thought about dying. It could be so easy, just jump in front of a stray bullet or don't fight back. But then I'd be weak. I don't want to be remembered as weak.'

'I'm not sure I want to be remembered at all.'

'My existence has caused so much pain. My mother has lost two sons, her husband and her daughter. If I'd never been born then maybe Matt and Dad and Shiro would've never been chosen to go to Kerberos. Or maybe there'd be some other sorry souls in their place.'

'My existence has caused pain, but I know it won't be healed by my death. I know I'm selfish, I'm a coward, I'm taking the easy way out, I'm only thinking of myself. Maybe I am, but is that such an awful thing?'

'If I'm a unhappy, if I'm so set on doing this, then why should anyone stop me? This is what I want. This is all I've ever wanted. This isn't a tragedy or anything, this is just life. Or death, as the case may be.'

'I hope I'm doing the right thing.  
\- From yourself xx'


	14. Evergreen

'To whom it may concern,'

'I've just taken the pills. With my minimal understanding of Altean, I've managed to decipher some of the labels. I think I might've taken some kind of cleaning supplies as well. It doesn't matter though. This is what I want. This is all I want.'

'Already I feel lighter, like I'm floating. My heart is pounding with excitement. This is the right thing. I'm sure it is.'

'It's probably just a placebo effect, there's no way the pills could work this fast. Still, I feel ethereal. For once, it's all going to be okay. It will all be okay. It has to all be okay.'

'I wonder who will find me? I hope they read the notebook, and don't just toss it to one side. If you're reading this with my corpse laying next to you, just please know that I'm happy now.'

'I don't feel happy though. I'm floating, I'm walking on air, but I don't feel human. I feel disconnected. Am I even sure this is what I want? I'm scared. Oh my god I'm scared. I'm fucking terrified.'

'No, you need to calm down. This is what you want, remember? This is all you've ever wanted. You'll be transcending everyone and everything. It's going to be wonderful.'

'I can feel it working. I've no idea what it was I took, but it's working. It's not working. It's burning me inside and out. I can't stand, I can't breathe. This is more painful than living. It isn’t supposed to be painful at all. This is supposed to be the good part.'

'If it's the good part, why am I crying? I'm so scared. I want my mom. And my dad. And Matt. I want Shiro, Lance, Hunk and Keith. I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die...'

'It's too late now though.'

'I can feel myself slipping away now.'

'Breathe in... Breathe out. Breathe in...'

'B̻r̥̟̫̺͍̪͡e͎̺a͎̯̙̣̥͉t̤̭̖̻͙̣h̪̭e̲̹ͅͅ ̸̙̬̗̞͚̰i͚̹̣ͅn̩̻̦̱̲͟...̲͓̰̹͉̱͜ͅ'

'I̠͍̪̪̥ ̻̫͘ͅͅḑ̩͚̥͎͔o͓n̳̭̼̭͇̪̩'̠̙͕̞t̵ ̗̗͚̺͡w̠̜͙͜a͍̳̭̹̯̜̼n̘̗̭͉̼̜t̞͈͇ ͖͖̘̻̲̞̹͠t͎͍̭͇ͅo̝ ̺̪̳̜͖͓͟d͟i͎̥e͇.̺̳̰͍̻̝'


End file.
